Friday, July 8, 2011

Dan's Guide to Internet Dating

It would appear that a lot of people are getting dates from the Internet. With that comes problems. Like, what happens if your date isn't what she said she was? What if the guy sent you pictures of what he looked like 40 years ago?
Here's my humble guide on how to handle a first Internet date.
Firstly scotch guard everything (including the trunk). It wouldn't hurt to scotch guard your clothing either.
Bringing trash bags, and duct tape shouldn't be out of the question either. What happens if she gets belligerent, one thing leads to another and she's dead? You don't want to get the cops involved, do you? No, you do not.
Always bring a toothbrush, toothpaste, and deodorant on a date. Not for the morning after... no, just in case she needs it. Because nothing ruins a date like a ghastly odor.
Oh that reminds me, buy the odor resistant garbage bags.
It's always a good policy to keep lying to the woman. So I recommend keeping literature in your car that makes you appear to be smarter than you really are. Sadly you'll need to steer clear of certain types of literature and books. Namely avoid medical books, anything about serial killers, children's books, and racist propaganda.
If she turns out to be a beast, it's okay to buy her two meals and excuse yourself from the date. Being open and up front about your distaste of her will be greatly appreciated by your Internet date. The food is a nice gesture, since she probably finds solace in food.
Always keep a fresh supply of cement, quicklime, and gardening sheers. You never know when you may need it... for gardening...
Never pick up your Internet date at her place. Always meet her somewhere. What happens if your car breaks down? You're stuck with that on the side of the road.
I would also steer clear of having your Internet date pick you up. Do you really want them to know where you live? I know I don't. I have enough ugly girls trying to break in and kill my pets. You don't need that drama.
Never hit your Internet date. Not because it's wrong to hit girls, but because she may like it.
If your Internet date has a jealous ex boyfriend, don't worry. The guy is probably really weak from playing WoW all the time, and will probably just end up hurting himself.
If your Internet date is actually attractive, try to find out what's really wrong with her. She may have a penis, or she may be an amputee. Amputees are people too, you just don't want to be making out with her and realize her ass fell off.
well, hopefully this helps, ya'll.

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