Thursday, July 7, 2011

Now that I'm Old

As most of you are aware, I'm struggling with old age issues. I wish I could turn back the sands of time, but sadly my life of excess has made that impossible. Here then, is a list of the things that I struggle doing now that I'm old, and a list of stuff that I'm better at now that I'm old.

I write these lists so that today's youth may understand the plight of the average geriatric, such as myself.

Things I have difficulty doing:

  • Waking up. Every morning it feels like I slept in a ditch full of rocks and bourbon, even if I got a good 8 hours of sleep.
  • Brushing my teeth. I still brush regularly, but sometimes that shit just gets old. And my arms get sore.
  • Shampooing. Again so much movement involved with this. It's like a marathon to get all the shampoo out.
  • Buying clothes. I try to stay hip, but what's hip is colorful and confusing.
  • Picking up women is hard. I've regained the standards that I lost in my youth. Now instead of looking for a really hot girl, I look for a woman who will accept me for being a man-child, has a steady job, condo and affordable dental insurance.
  • It's now much more difficult to get drunk. Most nights are spent fruitlessly taking shot after shot trying to get the girl who's coming on to me to look halfway decent.
  • It's hard kneeling down these days.
  • It's harder showing enthusiasm.
  • Putting on pants is a challenge.
  • Finding socks is another one.
  • Watching television is kind of pointless. If it's not a bunch of singing, gay, high-school students, it's some short, gay, bald guy telling a girl she's too husky to wear chiffon.
  • The goal of working out has changed from, "getting jacked", to "I'm bored".
  • The prettiest girl I know handles my mortgage payments.
  • Buying tons of alcohol gives me the respect of my peers... too bad they're all middle-aged alcoholics.
  • I can no longer count on Taco Bell providing me with a sensible meal that won't ruin my entire week.
  • Getting 3 hours of sleep is no longer enough to fuel me for 48 hours of no sleep.
  • Pamela Anderson has gone from sex symbol to a reminder to get an STD check every 6 months.
  • I don't drink tea to make fun of old people anymore. I do it so I don't die from the flu.
  • There's a very real chance I will accidentally kill myself changing a light bulb.
  • An ideal date now involves substantive things, and finding out who she is and what she cares about. Not nip slips anymore.
  • I wonder to myself if my dog is getting enough carbohydrates in her diet.
  • I wonder what this whole potassium thing is all about.
  • I begin to ask really difficult questions like, who discovered milk, where's my social security, and why is my penis more tan than the rest of my body.
  • I no longer rock climb to have fun. I'm just trying to off myself and make it look like an accident.
  • When talking to pretty girls on Facebook, I can't help but fear they're really Chris Hanson from To Catch a Predator.
  • I'm good at stuff, and people know it, so they ask me to do that stuff for them.

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