Monday, June 8, 2015


There’s a new trainer at my gym with a confounding body type. She has enormous hips and I’m not sure if her ass is fat and shaped by the yoga pants or if her ass is PHAT.

It’s put me in enough of a quandary to write this. “Do she got a booty?” is probably the question that brought our ancestors from the trees to the savannah and eventually bipedalism. I don’t know why I care or am so transfixed by her booty.

I’m a bipolar ape. I’m capable of creating art, being compassionate and being a noble and upright citizen. But I am also capable of judging booties and being all bout dat ass. I think it’s because humans are ass people. The age old question, “are you an ass man or a tits man” is a misdirect. We’re all ass people. The question should be, “besides the ass do you also like big ol titties?”
I’m assuming some of you are perplexed. You’re thinking, “no, I am decidedly a boob person. I love boobs. I’ll take a concave booty so long as dem dirty pillows be dank.” I’m here to tell you that you’re wrong - we are all ass people.

If a woman has breast cancer and has to have a mastectomy everyone supports her. There’s tons of breast cancer awareness ads and countless activities to raise funds for research. But what about booty cancer? What happens when someone has glute cancer? There’s no support network. You’re just some assless freak.

A woman could have both of her breasts removed and we would still love and support her. A dude could have his tits lopped off and we would support him. But as soon as someone loses an ass we’re all like, “fuck that freak.” A person without an ass isn’t even a person.

I think being all about that ass is visceral. It’s what makes me human. I intend to embrace my ass-passion and try to get to the bottom of my trainer’s bottom. I need to understand it. I need to know if that ass is truly fat or PHAT.