Monday, June 8, 2015


There’s a new trainer at my gym with a confounding body type. She has enormous hips and I’m not sure if her ass is fat and shaped by the yoga pants or if her ass is PHAT.

It’s put me in enough of a quandary to write this. “Do she got a booty?” is probably the question that brought our ancestors from the trees to the savannah and eventually bipedalism. I don’t know why I care or am so transfixed by her booty.

I’m a bipolar ape. I’m capable of creating art, being compassionate and being a noble and upright citizen. But I am also capable of judging booties and being all bout dat ass. I think it’s because humans are ass people. The age old question, “are you an ass man or a tits man” is a misdirect. We’re all ass people. The question should be, “besides the ass do you also like big ol titties?”
I’m assuming some of you are perplexed. You’re thinking, “no, I am decidedly a boob person. I love boobs. I’ll take a concave booty so long as dem dirty pillows be dank.” I’m here to tell you that you’re wrong - we are all ass people.

If a woman has breast cancer and has to have a mastectomy everyone supports her. There’s tons of breast cancer awareness ads and countless activities to raise funds for research. But what about booty cancer? What happens when someone has glute cancer? There’s no support network. You’re just some assless freak.

A woman could have both of her breasts removed and we would still love and support her. A dude could have his tits lopped off and we would support him. But as soon as someone loses an ass we’re all like, “fuck that freak.” A person without an ass isn’t even a person.

I think being all about that ass is visceral. It’s what makes me human. I intend to embrace my ass-passion and try to get to the bottom of my trainer’s bottom. I need to understand it. I need to know if that ass is truly fat or PHAT.

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Cherry Coke Under the Table

I'm about that age where it seems a little weird that I haven't started a family. I'm a little late to the having kids party. I'm not against having kids but right now I'm just not into it. I'm sure if I accidentally knock up a bartender and I don't have the wherewithal to lie to her I'm pretty sure I could step up to the plate and be the greatest dad ever. In time I may want kids. Right now I'm pretty comfortable with what I have - which isn't a lot.

I have friends who are militantly against having children. It's not that they would just prefer not to have kids or something like that. Deciding not to have kids is actually a pretty solid choice. Some people just don't either see the need to have kids or are content with what they have. There's a million reasons why people don't want to have kids just like there's a million reasons why people want kids. The people that irritate me are the people who are militant in their resolve to not have kids - the people who "fucking hate kids".

A fair number of friends of mine have said they hate kids. Kids are little shits. They're dirty, they're annoying, they're fucking rude. What my friends don't see is how utterly fucking stupid it is to hate kids. Kids are just adults that haven't grown yet. Their brains are still trying to figure out this world; trying to figure out what's socially acceptable and what isn't.

Sure some kids act like bigger assholes than other kids. Maybe the parents are to blame, maybe the kid is possessed by the devil and wants to kill Julia Stiles. It's incredibly childish to hate kids. It's cool to hate the idea of having kids, but actually hating kids, taking issue with their very existence, is pretty lame.

They're just little humans whose brains haven't developed fully yet and who don't understand that plopping their cock out at Denny's isn't the best way to wait for your Cherry Coke to be refilled. Hating on them is childish. Are other people jealous that kids are getting attention and they aren't? Do they think it's bullshit that kids get a free pass to act like pricks and they don't? Do they think that when they were kids they were better? Do they think they're even better than a kid today?

Mother fuckers, I'm going to break it down for you. Hating on kids makes you look like a churlish bitch. "Oh wow. You hate an 8 year old with a lisp? Mad respect, bra! That'll show the little fuck you're better than him."

Look it's cool to hate the idea of having kids. But to constantly bitch and whine about kids and to specifically single out kids and say you hate them is fucking immature and childish. I mean great fucker, you hate the one thing that keeps us going as a species.

Saturday, January 10, 2015

Thrusting and Gaming at the Swolie of Swolies

The gym is how I hit on babes. Now I'm not the type of person who will leer at a girl on a treadmill or the type of guy to slip a chick a note in the middle of a routine. No I do my macking more subtly - like a ninja. 

You see I have nothing to offer anyone outside of the gym. I'm not that successful, my Milan isn't a very flashy car, and I have a terrible personality. The only thing I have going for me is my gains. Flexing and lifting heavy objects outside of the gym is generally frowned upon. If you flex at a bar you look like a douchebag plain and simple. If you are too eager to show your strength you look like a tryhard; a tryhard is actually taxonomically related to a douchebag. Douchebag is the Family and tryhard is a Species within that family. 

The gym is the only place where you can flex and lift heavy ass things. But there are degrees. You can't just waltz into the swolenasium and start flexing in front of the mirror and lifting shit all willy-nilly. That would make you look like a douchebag too. What happens if you get stuck under something that weighed too much. What gets chicks moist in the gym isn't the dude who wants to be noticed - it's the dude who doesn't care if he's noticed.

Check this out. Let's say you walk into the gym and you load up the hack squat with a million plates. You hop into the hack squat and instead of squatting you start shrugging your shoulders and grunting like a gorilla. Then after shrugging what you think is a herculean amount of weight you hop off the hack squat machine and start sulking like you're a god damned Sith or some shit. 

Well no one is going to think you look cool. You look like a fucking dickhead (another species that is taxonomically related to douchebag). You might have more weight on the hack squat than God can comprehend but any chick with a brain in her skull is going to know that what you're doing seems wrong and looks insanely stupid. Hell she might even walk over and put on more weight and start shrugging that shit too. That'd be embarrassing. Serves you right though.

So what's a bro to do? Be smart, use proper form, and use the god damned hack squat like it's supposed to be used. You need to be smart about what you do to get her attention. You can't just see her mid-set and dart over to a more glamourous workout. That is if you see a beautiful cardio bunny gazing your way and you're in the middle of calf raises it isn't smart to stop doing calf raises, grab a bunch of dumbbells and do curls. She's going to know somethings up. 

It also doesn't help to have shitty form. A guy doing shit reps or not doing squats properly is going to look ridiculous. He's not making natural movements. Everything you do in the gym should make biomechanical sense. You look incapable or wounded if you don't have perfect form. So work on form so that when there is a honey at the gym you can bust out a perfect set, get some gains, and maybe make her stir a little bit.

Whatever you do don't drop the weights or grunt to grab her attention. I drop the weights when I'm playing with the deadlift, but that's what it's meant to do. I'm not trying to make a lot of noise, I'm just doing shit they way it's supposed to be done. Same deal with grunting. I'm not grunting to draw attention. I might let a little grunt out when I'm pulling 425 for deadlift. But if you grunt all the time or scream "FUCK" after each set she's going to think you have the maturity of a child or some deep-seated personal issues. No chick wants to bang a dude with anger issues or a dude with the maturity of an attention seeking 12 year old. She might be willing to bang a dude who is physically capable of lifting something kind of heavy and not being dramatic about it.

This is how I choose to hit on babes at the gym. Sometimes I just want to run up to them and start curling things and ask them if they'd ever seen rotator cuffs as big as mine, or if she wants me to show her my thrusters. Unfortunately I know how that would end up. I'd end up with a slap to the face, I'd lose my gym membership and I'd have to start doing bodyweight exercises like one of those uppity ass marathoners.