So the other day I decided to go to Target, and see if I could chat up Target girl. Now for those of you who don't know who Target girl is, all you need to know is she's the girl for me. She's super friendly, fit, and just the sight of her makes your teeth feel white and clean.
In order to talk to this girl I had to get something, since she primarily worked the cash register. I mean, I don't want her to think I'm some sort of weirdo who only goes to Target to hit on her. It's true, but she doesn't need to know that.
I wasn't sure what to get, so I thought about some of the coolest things I could get that would either impress her, or give her clues about my personality. Last week I bought deodorant, and a razor from her. I wanted to show her that I was a man who believed in smelling nice, and liked to have a freshly shaved face once in a while.
A few weeks before that I bought season one of the A-Team, and season two of Modern Family. I wanted to show her then that I had an appreciation for older television shows, and that I am also up-to-date on what's funny now. Not only that, but I have enough money in the bank to buy something that I could already watch on Netflix. I wanted her to see that I still felt there was value in supporting the things that you like.
Another time I wanted her to know that I had a nice car, so I bought leather seat wipes. I also bought hummus and pita bread, with some rice, and a medley of vegetables. That was to show her that I knew how to prepare food.
Unfortunately as soon as I walked in to Target I forgot that I came to talk to Target girl. So I panicked a little, and tried to remember what product I needed. In order to jog my memory I decided to wander the store.
As I was wandering I came across some Hello Kitty duct tape, and just had to buy it. Then I picked up some trash bags for some yard work I was doing, a cute little stuffed animal for my nephew, and some baby oil since I was going to paint the deck later that weekend (baby oil is good at removing latex paint).
As I was walking up to the checkout I realized the reason why I came. I was there to flirt it up with Target girl. Frantically I went searching for something, anything, to impress her with. I looked at food processors, something called a melon baller, TV's, weird self help books. Then in a moment of misbegotten clarity, I decided to pick up a big box of condoms.
My rationale for this was she would think that I was a firm believer in keeping sex safe, was disease free, and was of the middle class. The reason why I chose the big box of them was because I wanted her to think that I wasn't out of practice, and that I had a good social life.
As I proudly took my items up to the counter I realized my horrific mistake. I was getting Hello Kitty duct tape, trash bags, stuffed animal, baby oil and a lot of condoms. At worst I looked like a child predator. At best I looked like a slut.
When I got up to her, she noticed, and I came clean.
"I can explain, the stuffed animal is for my nephew, trash bags are for the garden, the baby oil is to remove paint, and the condoms are for... uh, a shelter. The Hello Kitty duct tape, however, is exactly what it appears to be."