Thursday, July 7, 2011

A Day in the Life of Dan

10:41 AM - Wake up, take a few moments to wait for the room to stop spinning.

10:53 AM - Room has not stopped spinning. Say, "fuck it," stumble out of bed. Rifle through piles of clothes, Perrier bottles, and pillows. Slam protein shake from fridge next to bed.

10:58 AM - Realize it's a weekday, and I need to get paid. Look in mirror to see if I need to take a shower.

11:03 AM - Still looking in mirror.

11:07 AM - Jump into shower, shaving face will need to wait until tomorrow.

11:10 AM - Deodorant: check. Ears clean: check. Hair pomaded: check (I can't believe pomaded is a word...). Teeth brushed: check. Floss: fuck it.

11:11 AM - Must find keys! Grab Greek yogurt for lunch and V8.

11:17 AM - No keys yet. Plead with God. Curse. Weep.

11:18 AM - Curse God.

11:19 AM - Take back what I said about God.

11:21 AM - Keys found out door.

11:22 AM - Look at MP3 player, think about what music I want to listen to on the ride in to work.

11:24 AM - I guess I can listen to Streetlight Manifesto again.

11:25 AM - Begin commute. Sext random girl. Hey baby. If I said you had a great body, would you send me pictures of it?

11:50 AM - Driving down East Washington in Madison, curse at all the terrible drivers. Flick off Subaru with liberal bumper stickers and Vermont license plate for going 25 in a 35.

11:52 AM - Have Subaru I flicked off pull up next to me at stop light. Try to find something to fidget with...

12:18 PM - Turn onto Park Street, and head towards St. Mary's hospital. Begin looking for a parking spot in the residential neighborhoods.

12:25 PM - Still looking for a freaking spot. Come up with silly Facebook status: Titanic Titties Titillate Titular Title Characters

12:28 PM - Parked, get stuff together, stagger into Alumni Hall.

12:31 PM - Look at clock... wonder out loud, "how did it take me 3 minutes to walk a half a block?"

12:32 PM - Get stopped by acquaintance. Talk about her kids.

12:43 PM - Make my escape, run up the two flights of stairs, and walk to my office.

12:46 PM - Look at watch. Wonder how it took me 3 minutes to get up 2 flights of stairs running.

12:47 PM - Enter office, say "hello" to Randy, and commence small talk.

12:48 PM - Small talk is over (we're guys, we don't need half an hour for small talk). Turn on computer. Try to remember password.

12:49 PM - On third attempt remember password. Check mail. Check Facebook. Send Facebook sext to different girl, I thought I saw you on the way in to work today. Turns out it was a hairy Italian. Get your mustache shaved, bitch. (Some girls are really in to abuse).

12:53 PM - Finish work. Hop on Internet. Look at pictures of cute animals. Curse every once in a while to make it look like I'm doing shit.

1:35 PM - Boss comes in, close YouTube video of Panda sneezing, maximize window containing spreadsheet.

1:36 PM - Listen to boss talk. Nod head. Be praised for coming in earlier than normal. Listen to boss talk about children. Try not to tell her about the time I saw her kid shoot up heroin, and kill a hooker.

1:59 PM - Say good bye to boss. Look at Facebook. Send chat message to girl from this morning, Did you get my sext? Uh, yeah, Dan. Can you stop doing that. Not gonna happen. You're an asshole, and I hope you get dick cancer. Won't happen, God loves me. Oh yeah, how do you know that? Because I was born a man. Listen, I'm getting hungry. Later...

2:05 PM - Pull out yogurt and V8. Slam V8. Look around desk for spoon.

2:06 PM - Make way to reception, steal spoons without receptionist noticing. Avoid eye-contact with people.

2:07 PM - Make sure Katie and Amy aren't in their office. Steal soda from fridge. Rifle through their desks, steal office supplies.

2:08 PM - Crack open soda, plop open yogurt.

2:09 PM - Clean yogurt spray out of eyes. Curse cows.

2:10 PM - Finish food. Bored. Tell Randy I'm hitting the dusty trail.

2:13 PM Get to car. Realize I left my keys in office.

2:16 PM - Get back to office to hear my co-workers talking about how fat my head has gotten. Nervously grab keys from desk.

2:19 PM - Hop in car... try to figure out what band to listen to on ride home.

2:21 PM - Streetlight Manifesto it is!

2:35 PM - Make impromptu pit stop on the way home to Copp's.

2:38 PM - Grab Perrier, seasoning salt, and Diet Coke. Pay in fast lane.

2:39 PM - Wonder how I was able to do all that in one minute... realize it's because I'm awesome.

2:40 PM - Take long way home, speed. Think about hot bitches.

2:55 PM - Get home. Change into gym attire, and plan to run.

3:00 PM - Sleep.

3:59 PM - Wake up to cat licking nose. Burst awake, and get started on supper.

___________ This Shit Is Hard to Write______ I'm so Sleepy________ I'll Finish this Tomorrow___________________

No comments:

Post a Comment