Thursday, July 7, 2011

The Things I Did on My Summer Hiatus

Come May I will not have a job for a month (or more). Therefore I'll need some things to do. Here are a few things I have planned:

  • Get some of that sweet unemployment money I hear about
  • Finally finish shaving my cats
  • Try to sleep in every room in my home
  • Try to sleep outside without being eaten by a bear, coyote, or raccoon
  • Lure squirrels with a kiddie pool filled with seeds and berries
  • Work on personal fitness
  • Work on becoming a functioning alcoholic like Charlie Sheen
  • Counsel gerbils. Plead with them to stop breeding
  • Finally write up my will
  • Landscaping
  • Manscaping
  • Capture an outdoor bird to see if it will befriend me
  • Call around, see what pizza places will deliver to my address
  • Write fan mail to Ryan Reynolds and Ellen Page
  • Try to determine if Emma Watson is attractive
  • Lust after gold
  • Watch The Simpsons. See what jokes I've been missing
  • Quietly weep in the shower
  • Go to Assisted Living home in gorilla suite. Try to startle the elderly
  • Overcome fear of toilet
  • Pretend I'm retired and make it a routine to visit a local diner daily. Get to know staff and regulars.
  • Try my hand at pimping
  • Go down to Chicago. Sell my wares from the back of van.
  • Finally discover why I keep waking up naked, despite going to bed fully clothed
  • Teach neighborhood children that anything is possible... unless you have MS
  • Extort protection money from lemonade selling child
  • Go to the zoo. Attempt to feed the polar bear seal
  • Capture small Mexican child. Call him Pele. Raise him as my own
  • Befriend ants. Learn from them
  • Ask Pope for money

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