Come May I will not have a job for a month (or more). Therefore I'll need some things to do. Here are a few things I have planned:
- Get some of that sweet unemployment money I hear about
- Finally finish shaving my cats
- Try to sleep in every room in my home
- Try to sleep outside without being eaten by a bear, coyote, or raccoon
- Lure squirrels with a kiddie pool filled with seeds and berries
- Work on personal fitness
- Work on becoming a functioning alcoholic like Charlie Sheen
- Counsel gerbils. Plead with them to stop breeding
- Finally write up my will
- Landscaping
- Manscaping
- Capture an outdoor bird to see if it will befriend me
- Call around, see what pizza places will deliver to my address
- Write fan mail to Ryan Reynolds and Ellen Page
- Try to determine if Emma Watson is attractive
- Lust after gold
- Watch The Simpsons. See what jokes I've been missing
- Quietly weep in the shower
- Go to Assisted Living home in gorilla suite. Try to startle the elderly
- Overcome fear of toilet
- Pretend I'm retired and make it a routine to visit a local diner daily. Get to know staff and regulars.
- Try my hand at pimping
- Go down to Chicago. Sell my wares from the back of van.
- Finally discover why I keep waking up naked, despite going to bed fully clothed
- Teach neighborhood children that anything is possible... unless you have MS
- Extort protection money from lemonade selling child
- Go to the zoo. Attempt to feed the polar bear seal
- Capture small Mexican child. Call him Pele. Raise him as my own
- Befriend ants. Learn from them
- Ask Pope for money
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