Thursday, July 7, 2011

Top 25 Things I Instantly Regretted Putting in My Mouth

I guess I'm taking requests now. Chandon Vicarious (Kunz) has asked me to name 25 things that I've instantly regretted putting in my mouth. This is actually going to be a journey. I've already blocked my family from reading this. This is going to be a little embarrassing, but here goes it.

I tagged people in this, fear not, if you were tagged you weren't one of the top 25. I just tagged you because in some small way you may have been involved, or can give valuable insight.

  1. Moldy elephant ear (
  2. Calcium crust from a filter at Pet Smart
  3. A scary black man's mouth. I didn't put it in there... he did. It was rape.
  4. This super strong jalapeno pepper
  5. There was this girl who had extremely bad breath, and when I kissed her I regretted it
  6. A very green, celery, whey, and some other plant smoothie
  7. Post-coital labia with a fresh taste of latex
  8. My dog's tongue. My older brother and sister said they would give me $5 if I let our dog Mindy eat a piece of macaroni and cheese off of my tongue. It's been almost 20 years since that happened and I have yet to see a dime.
  9. A drill. I was getting a cavity filled, and the anesthetic didn't take.
  10. I forget the reason, but I tried fitting a large bottle in my mouth once. Instantly regretted it because my jaw popped.
  11. A bee
  12. Deodorant. My first few semesters in college I was a little disoriented in the morning. A few times I would accidentally put tooth paste in my hair instead of hair gel, or poke my eyes with Q-tips. One morning I tried using my deodorant as a toothbrush.
  13. Stress Coat. Anyone who worked at Pet Smart... I'm fucking tagging you. You all were there.
  14. A turnip
  15. A cockatiel's head. Okay, I instantly regretted it because a manager saw me do it. If you must know, the bird was alive, and actually was pretty cool with it. He was also very tame... I was young and stupid. (
  16. Another time working at Pet Smart I was cleaning out filters and fish poop and stuff splashed into my mouth
  17. Still at Pet Smart, I accidentally got dead fish juice in my mouth. It sprayed up at me... and the thing had been dead a while.
  18. Long Island Iced Tea. Anyone who was at Fat Jacks, will remember that. I'm tagging you bastards too.
  19. Venison. I love Bambi
  20. Road salt... the stuff they put on roads in winter. Joe Golemb and I grew up together, and I must have been a 6th grader. We were sitting near the doors waiting for our parents to finish up drinking at the bar to pick us up, when I see Joe holding this white thing. It looked like candy, and Joe was always bringing weird candy and shit to school, so I thought it was some sugary treat. He offered it to me for some reason, I popped it in my mouth, and you know the rest.
  21. A live wire
  22. A humming bird. No shit. I was in my yard one day, trying to figure out the garden hose situation, and all of a sudden there's this violent, bizarre fluttering in my mouth
  23. Cat litter
  24. Anything from Fat Sandwich. I love that shit, but I regret it later.
  25. This Iraqi girl I was making out with once asked me to let her feel my tongue. I felt both violated, and stupid instantly.

So much more. Well, if you have any suggestions on what I should write about next, either post it to my wall or in the comments or sext me. I don't think any other topic will be as uncomfortable to write than this.

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