Thursday, July 7, 2011

My Mentoring Service

Nothing says "I love you" to a girl than taking her on a breath-taking tour of Italy. Unless, of course, she's not your girlfriend; barely knows who you are; and repeatedly begs you to let her go home and see her family.

This is just one of the many life lessons I had to learn on my own. But you don't have to fumble through life like I did. For only $15 a day (or a case of beer) I'm willing to be your mentor.

Guys, girls, things in-between; I'll mentor anything! You name it, I'll mentor it.

You name something foolish, or self-destructive, and I've done it. Spent too much on a friend? I did that. Drunk dialed some random chick? I did that so many times, I'm on a police watch-list.

Don't feel like paying me $15, or a case of beer? I'm willing to barter. You got old video games? That's good enough for me. Got whiskey and mouth wash instead of beer? That's fine by me. Got boobs? Jackpot!

Don't let this once in a lifetime opportunity pass you by. At least let the $800 I spent on some girl mean something.

I see some trepidation in your eyes. "How can someone so terrible at life, be relied upon to be an effective mentor?" That's a very reasonable, yet dickish, question to be asking me. I'm actually at messing up my life. I'm actually an amazing advice giver. Don't believe me? Who do you think told the Beatles to make music?

Not me, but I would have, had I been alive back then.

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