Thursday, July 7, 2011

Top 25 Things I Say to Women

Top 25 Things I say to women:

  1. Don't wince
  2. Don't make it weird
  3. Pregnant women on Papau New Guinea can lift at least 50 pounds of potatoes on their heads. All I'm asking is that you push my car down the road half a mile so I don't waste gas. What? It has wheels.
  4. Either lose, like, five pounds immediately or get the hell out of my office.
  5. I'm not paying you $25 for a date. Because that makes me a john...
  6. What? I should be mad at you.
  7. They ran out of beer. Here's 5 shots of whiskey... hurry up.
  8. That doesn't get me off anymore. I'm into something... darker.
  9. Can we get your sister in the mix?
  10. Look I'm sorry. Well, okay, I'm not sorry.
  11. I love you. Now about those pictures I asked for...
  12. Act like you enjoy this. You're ruining the moment.
  13. I'd date you, but what if we got married and had kids? I couldn't look my kid in the eye and not feel guilty for marrying a woman who gave them such unfortunate faces.
  14. Just drink it. It's not like you'll remember anything anyway.
  15. I like you... um, I take that silence as, uh, sniff. I gotta go work out.
  16. Try not to touch my leather seats with your bare skin. It... sickens me.
  17. We're not going on a date. Because your mouth is huge. What happens when we kiss? I'm not going out how male praying mantises do.
  18. Why am I nude? Why aren't you?
  19. I think I misread the pamphlet...
  20. I killed this plant for you.
  21. Look at this... look at this... look at this. Awww, aren't bunnies cute?
  22. That too
  23. I wish you wouldn't kick me in the groin so much. I'm not complaining. It just hurts after a bit.
  24. Quick question... hair straightener, is it okay to leave on next to a stack of magazines?
  25. Please, stop talking about the guys you banged... I just met you.

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