Dan's Guide to Flirting

It's Spring and that means ladies are wearing revealing tops. This directly correlates to an increased number of flirtations produced by men every hour. Indeed, flirtations during the warmer months are 65% higher than during months colder than 40 degrees Fahrenheit.

I understand many people read my notes, and take to heart the advice that I give. I believe they do this for good reason; simply I'm wise, and well versed in the dance we call social interactions. Because of my Gift I will impart a few truths about flirting.

• Even though women wear push-up bras and low-cut shirts, we're still not allowed to look at their chests. I'm not sure why they wear that stuff, but they get pretty worked up if you glance at their chest. It's like a game to them.
• When buying a woman drinks, try to get her to do shots. It'll get her drunk quicker, and save you from tedious conversation.
• If a woman you're interested in is trying to pick out clothes to wear, and asks you for your opinion, kindly excuse yourself and never come back. This girl is not interested in you. You're in the friend-zone.
• Always have a strong breath mint, or piece of gum with you. You never know when some babe wants you to put your tongue in her mouth.
• Never brag about previous conquests to a girl you're flirting with. How would you feel if she talked about that time she banged a bus full of hockey players.
• Refrain from making date rape jokes. A recent study has shown 75% of a woman's day is spent fearing potential rapists.
• Women poop. Sometimes it can be worse than what comes out of men.
• Never get into a gross out contest with a woman. They are naturally better equipped at playing gross out. I mean... they got their own lady problems that are pretty horrific.
• Always hold the door open for a woman. The only exception to this rule is if the new Batman movie is out in theaters and there's only a few tickets left. Then it's every man or woman for them-self.
• Women go nuts for flowers. Which is pretty weird. Essentially you're giving her over-priced dead plants that will dry out in a few days. It makes no sense, they just love the crap.
• Nothing goes in your butt. I don't care how cute she is. Your butt is not a toy.
• Cut your toe nails.
• Don't talk about your balls. Lord knows they're the center of your universe, but you don't need her knowing that.