Thursday, July 7, 2011

My Biggest Revelation Yet

The other day I was thrusting in front of the mirror, checking out what little God gave me in the muscle department, when it dawned on me.

I slammed the wine bottle I was drinking, and made my way out of my room of mirrors to tell the world what I had just realized. Since no one was home I jumped in my car, still wearing only a towel, and made my way to my Fortress of Danitude: Target.

If you're a regular reader of my adventures you know that I love Target, I love their mirror aisle, and I'm not allowed in there because I broke a geriatric security guard's hip.Nonetheless, this revelation was too grande to let a restraining order get in my way.

I burst through the automatic doors and screamed, "Nobody fucking move!"

The geriatric security guard, still healing from the hip-replacement, dove to the ground whimpering, "that asshole's come to finish me off..."

In retrospect probably could have toned my entrance down, but I was in the moment, and the world needed to hear the gospel. I grabbed one of the employee's radio's and screamed, "bring 6 large mirrors to the front. High-gloss, ASAP". I then turned to a growing formation of confused red shirts.

"Lock the exits, round up all the shoppers and employees. Bring everyone to the front of the store. Don't be a hero."

They must have felt the urgency in my voice, because they did everything I asked in record time. I guess this is how Paul felt when he preached the Good News to the Ephesians.

As soon as everyone had gathered around, and the 6 mirrors I requested were situated, I began to tell the people what I had learned.

"My dear people, I have figured out what the deal with the Easter Bunny is. The day we celebrate Easter changes every year, so it basically "hops" around the calendar. What else hops? Bunnies. Hence the Easter Bunny is a great metaphor for Easter!"

I don't think many of them understood what I was saying. But no one understood what Einstein was babbling about until well after he died from that drug overdose in Graceland. They just sat there, some of them weeping, furrowing their brows.

I'm just too smart for the 21st century.

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