I'm going on a boat today. If I don't make it back I want you all to know that I died without a single shred of humility, or regret. I want you all to weep for a period of six weeks after the news of my death, and during my funeral I'd like for a minimum of 3 women to faint.
If they find my body, I'd like you to spare no expense filling every cavity with gems, then coating the exterior of my corpse with gold. Do this after the funeral, though. I want people to gaze upon the beauty of my face one last time before my earthly remains are committed to the marble mausoleum I expect you all to build in my honor.
I leave all my worldly electronics to my brother, my gerbils to my sister, my computer to a fire, my notes that have never been published to Ryan Reynolds, and my re-refrigerator back to my sister (since it's yours anyway). I ask that you take my ironic t-shirts and frame them, and hang the shirts in places of honor. I ask that my underwear, undershirts, and jeans be cut into pieces and sold on Ebay. With the proceeds I expect you to begin researching a cure for drowning. Then reanimate me.
To all the ladies that have mild crushes on me right now I say, "get on me". To the ladies who were in love with me, I say, "you're probably fat. Don't steal my body". To the ladies that think I'm an asshole, "perhaps if you put out a little more, and wore some make-up, I would have been a little nicer to you." To the women who are indifferent to me, "what are you gay?" To my parents, "I'm sorry... you aren't going to be proud of any of this". To my brother, "make sure when your son Levi wins the Super Bowl, he thanks me". To my sister, "stop telling me how to write my will!" To Ingrid I say, "sorry I was a bastard, and make sure my sister takes good care of my gerbils." To anyone who wants me to give them a private good-bye message (or public) please ask in the comment section, or sext me.
Just know that as I sink deeper and deeper into the dark abyss that is Lake Michigan, fighting Cthulhu in a totally rad way, I want you all to know that I will be singing in my head the final verse to Abide with Me.
Hold thou thy cross before my closing eyes; shine through the gloom and point me to the skies. Heaven's morning breaks, and earth's vain shadows flee; in life, in death, O Lord, abide with me
And if I don't die... I will rule you all someday.