Saturday, January 22, 2011

The Smarties Diet

I've designed a new diet for you digital-age fat-asses. I call it The Smarties Diet. Essentially you just eat nothing but smarties. They're low cal. (25 calories a roll) and if you eat enough of them your teeth hurt, and you'll shun any food that requires even the most minimal of chewing.

I can feel the vibrations of most of you excitedly shifting in your seats, wondering if it works. I can assure you, my humble fat-asses, this diet indeed works. Why, I'm not only the innovator of The Smarties Diet, I'm also the chief guinea pig. I can tell you that I have lost 10 pounds already. Let's be clear though, I didn't need to lose 10 pounds, because I'm in a constant state of perfection. Whatever my physical state, that is the current definition of perfection, and never forget that.

There have been some side-effects, but I assure you the benefit out strips these side-effects. Here's a list of some of the little trifles that you may experience while losing all that weight, and looking amazing:

Extreme energy highs, and extreme energy lows


Extreme tooth sensitivity

Horrific constipation

Soul-sapping epiphanies

Christian Bale in The Machinist-like insomnia

Murderous rages

Absolute loss of sex drive

Multi-colored pee

Exercise may be hampered by need to lie down

Overwhelming stockpile of Smarties wrappers

Fame-hungry parents attempting to get you on that show Intervention

Nude sleep-walking

Gum bleeds

Muscle spasms

Hair loss

Thinking Dane Cook is funny

Drastic thoughts about which celebrity to kill to get Jodie Foster's attention

Phantom genitals

No comments:

Post a Comment