Saturday, January 1, 2011

Heroes of the Special Olympics

This article was written my Junior year of High School in 2002. Uh, you'll probably be offended

Heroes of the Special Olympics

An echoed hush. Li'l Timmy squabbles across the finish line. A humongous swell of cheers and associated grunts enchant the grounds. Seconds later the rest of these special athletes cross the finish line. After this, a long day, they're given li'l quarter size medallions with cookies and juice.

These, my friends, are the special athletes that make up the Special Olympics. Their true competitive nature is shown in this magical park. Their competitiveness is spoken by words of actions, actions of what seems to be competitive babbles and grunts. Even spoken by Harvey the Tard who finished 3rd in the race. "Aw, geez, you guys. I got jibbed. I should have gotten second place if it weren't for Joey. It's not fair! He has a motorized scooter!"

These li'l heroes train tirelessly for 5 seconds before each event. Training their li'l underdeveloped, atrophied limbs to perform simple tasks like running in lighting speed. Some even taunt others of their own special stature. "See my back? That's all you'll see!" or, "Suck ma balls motherfucker. You shit is going down, beeyotch. I own yo ass muthafucka!"

Although taunting is looked down upon in the Special Olympics it is still "Funny as fuck" as not-so-special Albert Venice, a middle aged divorcee, stated last Wednesday as he was being escorted out of the park.

"Boy, we just hope everyone here has just a good fun, happy-sunshine-face-time here today. And remember: try your best because you're all 'Speacial' here" stated event supervisor Henry Winklstein in a pre-ceremonies speech.

"I hear we get cookies and juice," exclaimed Johnny Frumple earlier that day before being disqualified for exposing himself in front of a flock of geese, "I just hope they got the juice I like."
God bless you special athletes!

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