Somehow I've gained a following of impressionable youths. I've noticed that most of the time I'm with them I'm too drunk to impart upon them my natural wisdom. That is why I'm going to make a list of musings that will hopefully help these youth find their way in the world.
1. Never be friends with a girl. The relationships between men and women should be antagonistic, or full on humping. Don't go shopping with her, don't take her to the airport, and don't take her to your room and not make out with her. The friend zone is a major cock block.
2. If you go to a raging kegger, don't bitch about the beer being served. Beer at those types of parties are merely there to get you from being sober to shitfaced. Also, never ask for wine at a kegger.
3. If a muscular black man is leading you to a secluded area at a bar on your birthday I suggest you run. His intentions are not pure.
4. If you're at a party and you run into a bunch of transients with dreadlocks playing homemade instruments go ahead and talk to them. They have a lot more to offer than the other drunk sluts at the party.
5. Rap is not music. It's black people's way of punishing us for slavery.
6. Never hook up at a party. It's not classy. Go home and do your dirty sinful business. No one wants to walk in on you tonguing, sucking or fucking.
7. Cynicism is a terrible trait to have.
8. You know you've hit rock bottom when, of the two New Year's parties you went to, the one with a bunch of dudes making out was the better of the two.
9. Calling a bartender ugly to her face is not a good way to start an evening. However, if her service was up to that point terrible, I will allow it. Also, it's okay, and even encouraged, to puke all over her bar at the end of the night.
10. You can do anything you want with the right blend of charm and charisma.
11. Using logic to win an argument is silly. The goal of all arguments isn't to prove your case. You're right, and they need to get over that. The real goal is to get the other person to cry.
12. Always fight dirty.
13. Telling a girl about your masturbation habits are definitely not encouraged. Unless you like masturbating more than you like girls.
14. If you go to a wedding and the bride is wearing a strapless dress, and has awful tan lines it's your job to call her out. Listen, it's her special day, even she shouldn't be allowed to fuck it up with terrible tan lines.
15. The world is full of douche bags. They can be identified by the following tattoos: Chinese calligraphy, tribal arm bands, dragons.