Saturday, January 1, 2011

Dan's Guide to Treating a Lady Right

Originally this Guide was written 8 years ago while I was still in High School. Try not to mind the grammatical errors.

Dan's Guide to Treating a Lady Right

Great. This is to all those guys who know absolutely nothing about interscholastic dating. This is also mean to be a refresher course for any guys who have already figured this compli-ma-cated stuff out.

Step One: Find a girl who you think is mildly attractive, but not oo attractive. You don't want to over step your bounds. Yeah, sure you may regret not asking out the really pretty girl but face facts, she would have just rejected your loser self anyways. It's best to steer clear of any possible bad memories.

Step Two: Befriend her friends first. Get the inside scoop on her personal life. It may seem kind of creepy but I'm telling you to do this for your own protection. You may find out you don't have a lot in common or more pointedly you may find out she's a murderer or maybe she's really a guy with a dainty bone structure and long hair. Also, strike up a personal conversation with her avoiding topics like your bathroom habits, your over eccentric love for Barbra Streisand or your hatred of The Man.

Step Three: When you find out all you want to know ask her out and if she says, "I'd love to," play dumb and say, "I'm sorry --it sounded like you said, 'I'd love to'." She will reply, "That's what I did say". Then play dumb again and say, "Sorry, it sounded like you just said...," etc. Keep this up for at least ten minutes.

Hooray Cap'n Jack! You just asked out a girl and she said 'yes'. Stop celebrating, its annoying me. So where do you take this special li'l lady? Should you take her out to eat at a really ritzy restaurant? Should you have dinner with her parents? Or should you take her to a movie? Well, let me answer those questions with a few suggestions: First of all a first date is an interview so go her somewhere quiet where you can talk to her. Second her parent hate you. And third you could take her to a ritzy restaurant but be serious women are like leaches constantly wanting more and more. So don't blow all your hard earned dinero on one night of awkward revelry, stretch it out.

If you want to go to a restaurant take her to one in your price range. You don't want her to remember your first date as an unpleasant dish washing experience. But don't sink so low as to taking her to McDonalds either, you fat loser. In fact have her decide where to go that will save you from going through a lot of nagging and her slapping you.

So let's pretend that you're both at the restaurant. You're looking at the menu and you're trying to decide what you can get that costs less than 36 bucks. Your date on the other hand is looking for the most expensive item on the menu. Just let her get the expensive food it's not worth fighting over. Besides you can service solely on the free biscuits and water.

After you have ordered commence small talk. Again avoid strange topics like how hot the waitress is or how mean and ugly he dad is. This also is not the best time to ask her what her name is. Keep small talk on light-hearted things like how her day went or how surprised you were that she even said 'yes'. to you. Women eat this stuff up but please give it to them in moderation. If your whole conversation revolves around you worshiping her she may start to suspect something.

While you and your special lady are eating maintain casual eating etiquette. Yes, maybe passing gas and belching is encouraged at your dinner table but, please, her customs may not be the same as yours. Don't embarrass yourself. Your habits may sicken/enrage/discourage your date from ever wanting to see you again. Oh, and keep the potty talk at home cap'n.

So it's the end of a long night, you're about $65 poorer than you started out with and you spent the evening talking solely about her. By this point you've come to the realization that dating isn't what its cracked up to be. You just want to go home and cry to mommy. Sorry bud, if you thought the awkwardness is over you are wrong. You still have to talk her home and make the final impression on her so that she'll want to go out with you again. Fear not big ol' Dan is here to walk you through this too.

Usually at the end of the first date people are undecided on whether or not to kiss. Let me just put it this way if you kiss her you can kiss your independence good bye. I guarantee te following school day she's going to move some of her stuff into your locker. Things you have never seen before, things no man should ever see in his locker. In short avoid kissing her a simple pat on the head and the word 'You're Cool" will suffice...until the day you must kiss her and by doing so kiss your freedom and independence as a functional male good bye.

There are many choices such as: walking her to the door, making small talk with the parents or hustling her out of the car and speeding off. All of these choices are acceptable if done with the proper tone.

For example if you walk her to the door do not attempt a last second smooch for two reasons. 1) I told you not to in the paragraph above and 2) just as you begin to get your greasy mitts on her her father will open the door and after several moments of awkwardness her father will chase you around the yard with a special bat he bought just for occasions such as this.

If it happens that you choose to walk her in the house and make small talk with the parents it is usually best i you refrain from the following jokes:

I got your daughter back with no dings and scratches.
She kisses like your wife.
She's too young to get pregnant, right?
$50 says I dump her in a week.
How could something so hot come from something like you?

Though these are meant merely as a joke her parents will not appreciate them nor your spastic efforts to win their favor.

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