Saturday, January 1, 2011

Quit Breaking the Pee Rules

Ladies, what I am about to tell you will boggle your y chromosome. We men folk have certain unspeakable rules for bathrooms. I think one of the biggest rules involve the urinals...but let's back up and give the ladies some context.

First, using a public restroom (especially older ones) can be the most embarrassing thing next to getting a physical or prostate exam. Essentially you just pop your tackle out for all to see and then you pee.

There are even some restrooms where you gather round a semicircular trough and take a wizz whilst exposing your shame to every Harry, Dick and peeping Tom.

Whilst bleeding the fleshy lizard you know that there is a 1 in 3 chance that some asshole is checking out your goods. Its not a sexual thing, no, the little bastard is just curious. Its little bastards like that and mans natural shame that make these pee codes necessary.

Now, when a man walks into a bathroom and there are 3 urinals with two fellow men on opposing sides with the remaining urinal unoccupied you are, under no circumstances, to use that urinal. A related rule is the rule of every other. There must be a buffer zone of one urinal per side for every man flushing the gates. That is there must be a urinal space between each man, there is no buddy system, no holding hands. Do not squeeze yourself in. Now this rule can be bent if you use a piswa at one of the ends. That is you can occupy the first or last urinal or a urinal that is not buffered on both sides. So let's say that there are 6 urinals and urinal 1 and 3 and 5 are occupied, okay? You could occupy 6 if you faced slightly away from the occupant of urinal 5. Or let's say someone else broke the rules and you've gotta go big time and all the other methods are properly taxed (the stalls are occupied). So, same set up 6 urinals numbers 1, 4, 5 and 6 are occupied leaving 2 and 3 empty. Theoretically you could go to either stall. However, any deviation from the every other rule is frowned upon. It isn't forbidden but we don't encourage someone always breaking that rule.

Another rule is NO PEEKING. I hear some of you saying, "Hey, its not manly to be afraid of someone seeing your manly bits". But people that say that are just jack asses. I can't pee when you stare. Our essential purpose is to go into the bathroom flip out our tackle and piss. Not go in flip out our tackle and just hold it to show it we love it. Its not show and tell. You go in keep your eyes up because peripheral is a bitch.

Now, I hear some of you bitching that men take showers with each other all the time our nudity shouldn't bother us as much as I say it does. Well, most of the time you take showers with men is when they are your hombres on some team...and we don't peek.

There are two exceptions to the shower peeking rule. Normally if you do peak or accidentally catch a glimpse of major Johnson you're supposed to look straight up and think of Jessica Alba or talk sports. But there are two times you may not just ignore it and forget it. The first is when the naked person is a must stare and stare and stare until a hole is burned into her chest by your culminate looks. And the second reason is if theirs a dude naked with a boner in the dudes locker room and there's no chicks.

Now let's talk about number twos. Lets say you walk in to take a wicked yes and you all of a sudden see a dude struggling to lose his breakfast burrito. Try to get in and out before that dude has the shame of knowing the face of the guy that unexpectedly walked in on him giving birth to a massive turd...of doom.

Also, whilst pooping all bets are deal with that shit yourself man...just be sure to flush.

No one likes to walk into an act of hate.
If you shit on the floor clean it up.
Do not buy cologne or condoms in the bathroom.
Always wash your hands. We're at that age that I don't want to be shaking your hand and wiener at the same time.

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