Ever watch Cops and laugh at the silly excuses the perps give to the police when they're caught with a VCR under their arm? "I didn't steal it. I mean it. He gave it to me. It was a present!" Today I found myself in a similar situation. I was doing something that seemed really sketchy, and my excuse for doing it, and being in possession of a few select items, would have just been as believable as the VCR stealing thief.
It started out at work today. We were running low on Diet Coke and I was told to go fetch some 24-packs from the nearest Copps. Normally this wouldn't be a big deal, except my purchasing card expired and I wasn't issued another. Also, I didn't have a car that day. So the education coordinator, my boss, decides to give me her debit card to purchase the divine soda. Then the program director, my boss' boss and a doctor, decides to lend me her van.
Now, it's awkward enough buying stuff with my boss' debit card, and driving the program director's van, but I decide to do it. I notice a catch though when I realize the program director parked in the parking garage. So I just ask her if she wants me to park elsewhere. She exclaims, "thanks Dan. Good thinking" and hands me all three of her ID badges for various hospitals.
So here I am, my boss' debit card in one pocket, all my program director's ID's in another and her gigantic set of keys in my grubby little mitts. Sadly, this isn't the first time I've had to borrow a doctor's car, or used my boss' debit. But it was the first time I did it all at the same time.
The entire trip to Copp's I was thinking to myself how awful it would be to get pulled over by a cop and have to explain why I had a debit card that wasn't mine and 3 forms of identification belonging to a doctor whose car I just happened to be driving. "No, officer, I work with these people. They just gave these things to me to buy diet soda. No, the ID is to get into the parking garage...I don't know why there's a check laying out in the open on the passenger seat. This isn't my car; but I belong here."
When I get to Copp's I decide to lay low and not draw any undue attention. Unfortunately it's hard to do that when you're in a crowded line trying to decipher a post-it note with a pin number on it. I was just waiting for a customer to go, "is that your card? Is THAT YOUR CARD!?" or have the cashier call over her manager and detain me.
I decided to act smooth and talk up the cashier. Then I realized that's just how a con-man would do it, so I cut it out. I started to strategize how I was going to react if I was caught. I decided the best way to do it was to punch the pregnant cashier really hard in the face, shove the elderly woman in line into the gum rack and run as fast as I can with my supplies. Thankfully it didn't come to that.
On the way back, I had one more sketchy thing to do: I had to park the car. Now, I hate parking cars that aren't mine in parking ramps. I'm more than happy to park on top of the ramp in the lamest spot available, but this was a busy doctor's car...and they also had "Doctor Only" parking.
So I fulfilled a life long dream and parked in the "Doctor Only" parking spot. I was so happy, but cautious, just in case someone tried to call me out. I wasn't sure what I'd do if someone tried to call me out, though. I mean, I did have a screwdriver and ice pick handy...