Tuesday, March 3, 2009

I'm Gay Men's Currency

I find myself in a lot of bizarre situations. It's not like I look to get myself into strange situations, I don't go looking for them, things just sort of happen. I'm like a leaf, pushed in the wind. Nothing happens to me because I necessarily want something to happen. It just happens out of coincidence or in spite of my apathy or ignorance.

On my birthday such a situation arose. I was at this bar, which actually turned out to be a gay bar, and I was a little tipsy. I decided to go to the bathroom and while in there I must have done some secret dance or gave some non-verbal clues that said, "hey, I wanna make out with a dude". Well, this large black man decided to take me by the wrist and lead me to an exclusive and remote location.

While he was leading me I thought to myself, "this is going to lead me into another one of those situations I bet". And it did. There I was with another man kissing me with his hand down my pants. I had been in this situation before.

Alright, okay, never have I had a stranger do this exact thing. But I've had men try to kiss me, and there's this game my friend Joe's bisexual roommates play with me where they grab my naughty bits. However, they never go down my pants to grab my bare naughty bits. This was different. But what can I say, this sort of thing was bound to happen. I am gay men's currency, really.

I think I have this potent combination of perceived innocence and adorableness as well as a kind of muscular frame. Essentially I'm like a pig covered in BBQ sauce surrounded by a bunch of Tyrannosaurus Rex's in tight mesh shirts.

Anyhow, back to the molestation. My body language was pretty clear. I didn't push away or anything, but I certainly didn't encourage anymore exploring. I just stood there passively, trying to think of a cool way to say, "sorry man-bro, I'm not attracted to men. No convincing will encourage me from this philosophy". He then explained to me that he and the bartender were renting a room at the Super 8. He told me I should join him with my girlfriend.

I don't have a girlfriend, but I did bring a girl with me. I decided, for the sake of making things less awkward between me and the gay black man, to claim that the girl I brought was my girlfriend. He put his arm around me and told me to bring her. Then, my friend James appeared and rescued me.

I walked towards the bar, not really shaken by the experience (I mean, really, it takes a lot to disturb me) but in need of a womanly embrace. So I walked up to the girl I brought with me and leaned on top of her and gave her this half ass bear hug. I just needed to be close to something that wasn't going to try to penetrate me. She, not knowing what I had been through and why I was all of a sudden clingy, told me to "give [her] some space". I chose not to give her any space and squeezed tighter...I need to grow a mustache.

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