Me: [in a whisper] ...croutons...croutons...c
P: Who is this? What
M: There's a crouton conspiracy, Peggy. They've devised a way to steal our shoes.
M: Do you want to know how I know? I have the powdered donuts cornered. They told me everything...
P: Dan? Is that you, Dan?
M: I need help Peggy. I'm going to eat the donuts.
P: So eat the fucking donuts, why did you call me? It's 3 AM. I have class in a few hours.
M: I don't want to eat them! They made me do it! Oh God. Peggy! Peggy, how many trans fats are in powdered donuts? How many crunches do I need to do to burn them off?!
P: I don't know.
M: ......c-can you at least look?
M: What are you wearing?
P: My pajamas...um, sweatpants and a green t-shirt
M: Pretend this is the 1800's, and I'm a conservative gentleman
P: Fu, sigh. I'm wearing a black, shapeless dress with a white bonnet.
M: That's hot. Are you incorrigible?
M: Ooh. That's hot.
P: No, no stop, this is weird. We aren't doing this. We aren't doing whatever it is this is
M: Don't get so worked up malady. Have a scoop of warmed whale blubber to calm your...
P: I'm going to...I'm going to call the cops and they're going to shoot you in the face.