I've said it before and I'll say it again: I could never be a girl. If, one day, I woke up and was magically turned the female persuasion I think I would just curl up into a little ball and cry. Being a girl has got to be the most frightening experience on the planet, no joke. I thank God every time I go to the bathroom standing up; I thank God after every non-invasive physical, I thank God every day my wiener doesn't bleed.
Guys this is no joke, girls have it rough. You don't think so? Well, did you know that you could have been a girl? We men folk started out not with our testes but things that were more like ovaries. One could say we were girls for a few months in our mom's cozy womb. Only by an extreme act of pure mercy were we granted the right to have our 'ovaries' descend our abdominal staircase into our testicular basement (aka Das Sack).
Okay, I watched a lot of WE (Women's Entertainment) back in high school. I learned a lot about women by their very graphic and educational commercials. Let me just highlight a few interesting facts about being a woman:
First off, everything starts off great until the girl hits puberty. That's about when she has her first period. We all know what periods are, I refuse to explain. But the thing is girls actually are out in public during their cycle. Not me. If my vagina or wang were bleeding I would make a diaper out of a trash bag and sit in my bath tub and cry. Not girls, nope, they just put a cotton ball up themselves and walk around as if its only a Tuesday. Despite cramps and consistent blood lose they just keep on keeping on. I know that after my first period I would either put a band aid on it or try to sew it shut.
Now, we guys think our physicals are tough when we go to the doctor...well, girls have it a million times worse. They've got a lot more plumbing down there and doctors have to investigate with metal tools. Its like going to the dentist but instead of violating your teeth they violate your man hole. I know that one time after a 'routine' physical for football I came out of the exam room traumatized. I couldn't imagine what its like being a girl.
What about pregnancy? Good God that's got to be terrible. You've literally got something growing in you...feeding off of you...living in you. Now, once you get past that there's the comfort factor. I could never get comfortable with a baby in me. Anytime I'd try to get comfortable baby would move or kick my kidneys and I'd be uncomfortable. I know sometimes I just want to be left alone...but babies are always there with you 24-7 holidays and weekends for 9 months. You can't just take the thing out and ask for someone else to incubate it for a few minutes while you grab a Coke and sit in a pool of ice.
Then, I bet there's a lot of swelling and such. Oh, and then you basically be a turtle for 9 months. Try getting a seat belt on or putting pants on with a 20 pound ball of goo on your belly...not gonna happen. Then there's the general weirdness of being pregnant. People that say pregnant women are beautiful are clearly morally deprived. They're basically normal people with these hideously freakishly round bellies that defy gravity and logic. Clearly I'm disturbed by that.
It sucks to be a girl too because its hard to lose weight what with all that jive going on in your woman body. All I have to do to lose weight is run a lap around a street light and eat a Powerbar. You could run 500 marathons and gain weight.
Women...wow. Its fucking easy being a guy. I remember telling JeR once that every month I'd give my wife a rose because of some of those reasons. So guys the next time I see you being an asshole to a girl, or not holding a door open for them or not offering to lift something heavy for them I will kick your balls into your chest.