Friday, March 18, 2011

I'm an Old Ol' Fox

I recently turned 27 years old, and I think I can safely say I'm incredibly old. Now I know 27 isn't chronologically that old, but I'm basing me feelings of "oldness" on how I feel. And frankly I feel as old as fossilized prokaryote shit.

I've resigned myself to being old, and have taken up cross word puzzles, purchased a month's supply of V8 vegetable juice and started catching up on old episodes of Matlock. I've begun eating more sensibly, skipping a cornerstone food group from my more youthful days (cake). Why I even turned down eating lettuce, because it's too rough on my bowels, and tastes too damn sweet.

As many of you know I've always been a little cranky towards those younger than me, but now it seems those views have been ratcheted up ten-fold. This morning I told a 3 year old to "cut [his] damn hair" because I felt he looked like a girl. When I was told the 3 year old was a girl, I called his teenage mother a hussy. People who were too young to remember 9/11 shouldn't be having kids yet.

I was reading People, and caught myself wondering why there was no mention of Clark Gable and his affair with Loretta Young. For a moment I though Lady Gaga was the name of some bizarre moving sculpture. Justin Bieber made me feel uncomfortable.

My youth has left me. I'm no longer the exuberant, ironic t-shirt wearing unshaven delinquent I once was. I savor my malt-o-meal, look for toothpaste coupons, and I prefer a tall glass of cold tap water over beer. I'm starting to see the value in fat girls (I believe they're what keeps the earth from floating towards the sun) and I'm starting to get riled up when Denny's charges me too much for a damn omelet. If only they cut down the portions sizes, the omelets too big.

I guess I should embrace my quiet fade into the sunset. We elderly are a prickly bunch, a fraternity of gents who've seen better days, but can still take advantage of these waning hours of our twilight years. In fact I grabbed a girl's bottom, and pretended I was senile. Tee hee. She just gave me my vitamins, tousled my hair, and said "oh Mr. Samuelson, you old fox".

You old fox indeed.

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