So our computer network is down, which means the only thing I can do on my computer is make rambling Word documents and baffling spreadsheets. None of this would be so bad if it wasn’t for my desire to avoid actual work and cruise the Internet until someone of authority noticed. Looks like for the time being I’m stuck shuffling papers around on my desk while crunching mercilessly on a stale bag of BBQ flavored trail mix.
It’s times like these when I wonder what our pre-Internet age counterparts did in the olden days of 1964. I bet they just puffed on smooth cigarettes and told misogynistic jokes to each other. Surely productivity was an invention of the Internet.
So here I sit, pecking away at a $700 typewriter debating if I should dust my desk with the Chlorox wipes or the Windex. A few of my co-workers have chosen instead to binge eat on whatever morsels are lying about the department. I sense this is how crack addicts cope when they’re unable to achieve a fix. Little does anyone know that I have a closet full of candy. If this outage persists I may be able to exploit this advantage and become their god.
I’ve begun to sculpt plastic figurines depicting my godly heritage to quell any heretics. Thankfully I’ve been able to mine the plastic from the laughably anatomically incorrect skeleton near my desk. Seeing as how only I have this valuable natural resource in abundance I am able to hold a monopoly on idol creation. Yes, yes, I and only I will tell them who to worship. I am the prophet god Dan!
Blasphemy aside I’m searching for meaningful things to do. I’ve taken to randomly texting my friends the details of my current situation. Sadly none of them are awake. I need to get new, not so sleepy friends.
I wonder what other people are doing to keep themselves occupied. They’re probably building fortifications. I should build a fort as well… and weapons. I must arm myself to defend against marauders who would love to do nothing else than steal from my candy closet. I could make a weapon out of my stapler, but I feel that’s what they’re expecting me to do. I wonder what sort of weapons I can create with what I have on hand: White-Out, canned air and butane lighter.
I’m beginning to flesh out the creation story for my new religion. I’m not sure what angle I want to go with. Is everyone the byproduct of my wrath and vengeance against a pantheon of gods, or is everyone a deliberate creation? I’m not down with the whole free will thing, though. That garbage is getting left by the wayside. I think for my flood story the protagonist’s name will be Alfonzo, and the flood won’t be caused by man’s wickedness, but because I forgot to turn off the water for some do it yourself plumbing. There’ll be a moral in that: Thou shalt always check to see if the water is turned off before removing a faucet. My new religion will be pretty practical. A few other commands will be: Always put the keys on the key rack turn off the lights when you leave the room, and always tip you waitress.
Oh, hey, the network is back up. Lata skaters.