Saturday, February 28, 2009

Motherly Quotes

Here are some things my mom said to me growing up. Some of these things are just cute phrases, others were words of advice.

"Pity isn't something to base a relationship off of; but with you, it may be all you got going for you"

"If you're ever down on your luck, and you absolutely have to sell your body to make ends meet, don't think that you can pass as a high class hooker. I'm your mother, and I love you, but you're only pretty enough to turn tricks for, at most, 15 bucks."

"You were a mistake. A happy mistake for me. Not for your dad though."

"Remember your favorite horsie, the one you used to play on all the time? Well, I told you we sold it to a happy family when, in actuality, I threw it away because you pissed me off."

"You inherited two things from me, son. The first is my nose. The second is my effeminate figure. I've never been more disgusted in my entire life."

"I never understood parents that had trouble putting their kids to bed. All we had to do was put a pillow over your face until you stopped squirming. The real trick was to hold it on just long enough so you'd pass out for a few hours, but not long enough to make you a retard."

"As a joke we taught you everything backwards. You used to think the letter Z was the letter A; you thought the sky was green and the ground was blue; left was right. Sigh, your kindergarten teacher thought you had a learning disability so she held you back a year. Man were we baked"

"If you don't eat that you're going to turn into a skeleton. Uh-oh, I can see the bone growing out of your ear. You better hurry up and eat it or else you're gonna be a skeleton" Oh yes, she really did this one.

"If you don't behave I'm calling child services and they're going to take you away! That's it, I'm picking up the phone..."

"If I catch you misbehaving in church I'm going to tear off your little arm and beat you to death with it in front of Jesus. You want that to happen? You want to make Jesus sad?"

"Why are you still here?" I was eight

"A lot of parents want grandkids, and so do I. But I don't want them from you. Let Nathan and Tami have the grandkids for me. You can just wait until I'm dead to have your own kids, okay?"

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