3AM Phone Call

This is the transcript of a phone call I made to a girl at 3AM on a weekday. I wasn't drunk. Her name has been changed to Peggy per the court agreement.

Peggy: H-h-hello?

Me: [in a whisper] ...croutons...croutons...c

croutons

P: Who is this? What

M: There's a crouton conspiracy, Peggy. They've devised a way to steal our shoes.

P: ..........

M: Do you want to know how I know? I have the powdered donuts cornered. They told me everything...

P: Dan? Is that you, Dan?

M: I need help Peggy. I'm going to eat the donuts.

P: So eat the fucking donuts, why did you call me? It's 3 AM. I have class in a few hours.

M: I don't want to eat them! They made me do it! Oh God. Peggy! Peggy, how many trans fats are in powdered donuts? How many crunches do I need to do to burn them off?!

P: I don't know.

M: ......c-can you at least look?

P: Dan

M: What are you wearing?

P: My pajamas...um, sweatpants and a green t-shirt

M: Pretend this is the 1800's, and I'm a conservative gentleman

P: Fu, sigh. I'm wearing a black, shapeless dress with a white bonnet.

M: That's hot. Are you incorrigible?

P: No.

M: Ooh. That's hot.

P: No, no stop, this is weird. We aren't doing this. We aren't doing whatever it is this is

M: Don't get so worked up malady. Have a scoop of warmed whale blubber to calm your...

P: I'm going to...I'm going to call the cops and they're going to shoot you in the face.

M: Oh.