Now that I'm Old

As most of you are aware, I'm struggling with old age issues. I wish I could turn back the sands of time, but sadly my life of excess has made that impossible. Here then, is a list of the things that I struggle doing now that I'm old, and a list of stuff that I'm better at now that I'm old.

I write these lists so that today's youth may understand the plight of the average geriatric, such as myself.

Things I have difficulty doing:

• Waking up. Every morning it feels like I slept in a ditch full of rocks and bourbon, even if I got a good 8 hours of sleep.
• Brushing my teeth. I still brush regularly, but sometimes that shit just gets old. And my arms get sore.
• Shampooing. Again so much movement involved with this. It's like a marathon to get all the shampoo out.
• Buying clothes. I try to stay hip, but what's hip is colorful and confusing.
• Picking up women is hard. I've regained the standards that I lost in my youth. Now instead of looking for a really hot girl, I look for a woman who will accept me for being a man-child, has a steady job, condo and affordable dental insurance.
• It's now much more difficult to get drunk. Most nights are spent fruitlessly taking shot after shot trying to get the girl who's coming on to me to look halfway decent.
• It's hard kneeling down these days.
• It's harder showing enthusiasm.
• Putting on pants is a challenge.
• Finding socks is another one.
• Watching television is kind of pointless. If it's not a bunch of singing, gay, high-school students, it's some short, gay, bald guy telling a girl she's too husky to wear chiffon.
• The goal of working out has changed from, "getting jacked", to "I'm bored".
• The prettiest girl I know handles my mortgage payments.
• Buying tons of alcohol gives me the respect of my peers... too bad they're all middle-aged alcoholics.
• I can no longer count on Taco Bell providing me with a sensible meal that won't ruin my entire week.
• Getting 3 hours of sleep is no longer enough to fuel me for 48 hours of no sleep.
• Pamela Anderson has gone from sex symbol to a reminder to get an STD check every 6 months.
• I don't drink tea to make fun of old people anymore. I do it so I don't die from the flu.
• There's a very real chance I will accidentally kill myself changing a light bulb.
• An ideal date now involves substantive things, and finding out who she is and what she cares about. Not nip slips anymore.
• I wonder to myself if my dog is getting enough carbohydrates in her diet.
• I wonder what this whole potassium thing is all about.
• I begin to ask really difficult questions like, who discovered milk, where's my social security, and why is my penis more tan than the rest of my body.
• I no longer rock climb to have fun. I'm just trying to off myself and make it look like an accident.
• When talking to pretty girls on Facebook, I can't help but fear they're really Chris Hanson from To Catch a Predator.
• I'm good at stuff, and people know it, so they ask me to do that stuff for them.

My Teaching Time

Forget about getting old, kids. It sucks. Every morning feels like you're picking yourself up from the world worst hangover, even though you had nothing to drink the night before. Aches, pains, saggage, weird marks on your body, and a bunch of scars no one thinks are cool anymore.

You're too cynical to want to go back in time and re-live your life. You know you'd rather kill yourself than go through high school again. Sure, back when you were a kid, and a cheerful mother fucker, you were keen as shit to go to school. Now you're world weary. It's like falling at Devil's Lake. Was it awesome? Yes. Did hitting every rock on the way down hurt? Yes. Would I consider it a defining moment in my history? Yup. Do I wanna fall off a fucking cliff again? No thank you.

You go to the gym and you see these kids strutting around like they're the cock of the block. Wait until their metabolism slows and their parents stop paying for their supplements at GNC. Wait until they realize everyone is out to steal their little piece of heaven, and the only solace they'll find is in a bar, or at Fat Sandwich.

Wait until that little princess, he can't stop blathering on about, gets knocked up by some guy named T-Wayne. Wait until his fucking standards get so low he's willing to bang a fat girl with "a nice upper lip".

Yeah, getting old lets you do cool shit. I get to buy booze and cigarettes, and drive around in rented cars. But I know this world is gonna fucking suck my soul out of my body if I'm not careful

My Comings and Dealings

I was dancing having a great timer, and noticed a foxy little lady in the corner sipping delicately from a glass. I made my way over, grinding on whatever object got in the way of my thrusts, and made a snappy entrance.

"Girl, tell me what I gotta do to get next to you."

She must have seen me coming a mile away. How could she not? I was clearly the most attractive man-beast in there. All the ladies (and some dudes) eyes were on me. How could they not be? Her retort was coy and playful.

"What the fuck is wrong with you, guy? There's no music playing, why are you dancing?"

Well shit. I was pretty drunk. I thought music was playing. Thankfully the Lord blessed me with a quick thinking brain.

"Baby, there's music all around. But what do you say we make some of our own sweet music... in my car. [in a whisper] It has leather seats..."

She gave me this horrified, disgusted look. I've seen that look before. She was into what I was throwing down.

"If I said you had great eyes, would you hold them against me?"

"My eyes? Are you asking me if I'd put my eyes on you? What the hell is wrong with you?"

It was obvious this girl was like a fine roast nearly cooked to perfection. All I needed to do was close the deal.

"I'm gonna be up front with you. I'm the President Obama's son. That's right. He's my dad, we go way back."

"Let me get this straight, you ass hole. You, a very white stupid looking drunk guy, expect me to believe your father is the president. A BLACK guy?"

"Whoa, let's not get racial."

"No, leave. My boyfriend is gonna be here any minute and he's gonna kick your ass."

"I'm sorry, I thought for sure you'd be a liberal. This is Madison isn't it. I'm sorry my dad isn't white, lady. Why you gotta, why you gotta get your boyfriend to beat me up for that. You got a, you got a beef?"

By this time I had her pinned. The web of lies she built were beginning to unravel. It was only a matter of time before she fell to the powers of my seduction.

"Leave me alone you asshole."

"Girl, you need to check the food chain for a second. You have something we in the medical profession call 'Thunder Thighs', all right? Second your eyebrows are too thin, and your glasses make you look like a magician. Don't get me started on your tits. Are you smuggling wet socks filled with door knobs? They're sad tits. Like mournful tits. Sad like a kid with Progeria cracking all his ribs trying to catch a NERF ball... two suicide notes stuffed in a bra sad."

Things got a little heated after that. She hit me in the face and we were both removed from the premises. I think that's the last time I drink before bingo.

Dan's Guide to Flirting

It's Spring and that means ladies are wearing revealing tops. This directly correlates to an increased number of flirtations produced by men every hour. Indeed, flirtations during the warmer months are 65% higher than during months colder than 40 degrees Fahrenheit.

I understand many people read my notes, and take to heart the advice that I give. I believe they do this for good reason; simply I'm wise, and well versed in the dance we call social interactions. Because of my Gift I will impart a few truths about flirting.

• Even though women wear push-up bras and low-cut shirts, we're still not allowed to look at their chests. I'm not sure why they wear that stuff, but they get pretty worked up if you glance at their chest. It's like a game to them.
• When buying a woman drinks, try to get her to do shots. It'll get her drunk quicker, and save you from tedious conversation.
• If a woman you're interested in is trying to pick out clothes to wear, and asks you for your opinion, kindly excuse yourself and never come back. This girl is not interested in you. You're in the friend-zone.
• Always have a strong breath mint, or piece of gum with you. You never know when some babe wants you to put your tongue in her mouth.
• Never brag about previous conquests to a girl you're flirting with. How would you feel if she talked about that time she banged a bus full of hockey players.
• Refrain from making date rape jokes. A recent study has shown 75% of a woman's day is spent fearing potential rapists.
• Women poop. Sometimes it can be worse than what comes out of men.
• Never get into a gross out contest with a woman. They are naturally better equipped at playing gross out. I mean... they got their own lady problems that are pretty horrific.
• Always hold the door open for a woman. The only exception to this rule is if the new Batman movie is out in theaters and there's only a few tickets left. Then it's every man or woman for them-self.
• Women go nuts for flowers. Which is pretty weird. Essentially you're giving her over-priced dead plants that will dry out in a few days. It makes no sense, they just love the crap.
• Nothing goes in your butt. I don't care how cute she is. Your butt is not a toy.
• Cut your toe nails.
• Don't talk about your balls. Lord knows they're the center of your universe, but you don't need her knowing that.

My Biggest Revelation Yet

The other day I was thrusting in front of the mirror, checking out what little God gave me in the muscle department, when it dawned on me.

I slammed the wine bottle I was drinking, and made my way out of my room of mirrors to tell the world what I had just realized. Since no one was home I jumped in my car, still wearing only a towel, and made my way to my Fortress of Danitude: Target.

If you're a regular reader of my adventures you know that I love Target, I love their mirror aisle, and I'm not allowed in there because I broke a geriatric security guard's hip.Nonetheless, this revelation was too grande to let a restraining order get in my way.

I burst through the automatic doors and screamed, "Nobody fucking move!"

The geriatric security guard, still healing from the hip-replacement, dove to the ground whimpering, "that asshole's come to finish me off..."

In retrospect probably could have toned my entrance down, but I was in the moment, and the world needed to hear the gospel. I grabbed one of the employee's radio's and screamed, "bring 6 large mirrors to the front. High-gloss, ASAP". I then turned to a growing formation of confused red shirts.

"Lock the exits, round up all the shoppers and employees. Bring everyone to the front of the store. Don't be a hero."

They must have felt the urgency in my voice, because they did everything I asked in record time. I guess this is how Paul felt when he preached the Good News to the Ephesians.

As soon as everyone had gathered around, and the 6 mirrors I requested were situated, I began to tell the people what I had learned.

"My dear people, I have figured out what the deal with the Easter Bunny is. The day we celebrate Easter changes every year, so it basically "hops" around the calendar. What else hops? Bunnies. Hence the Easter Bunny is a great metaphor for Easter!"

I don't think many of them understood what I was saying. But no one understood what Einstein was babbling about until well after he died from that drug overdose in Graceland. They just sat there, some of them weeping, furrowing their brows.

I'm just too smart for the 21st century.

The Things I Did on My Summer Hiatus

Come May I will not have a job for a month (or more). Therefore I'll need some things to do. Here are a few things I have planned:

• Get some of that sweet unemployment money I hear about
• Finally finish shaving my cats
• Try to sleep in every room in my home
• Try to sleep outside without being eaten by a bear, coyote, or raccoon
• Lure squirrels with a kiddie pool filled with seeds and berries
• Work on personal fitness
• Work on becoming a functioning alcoholic like Charlie Sheen
• Counsel gerbils. Plead with them to stop breeding
• Finally write up my will
• Landscaping
• Manscaping
• Capture an outdoor bird to see if it will befriend me
• Call around, see what pizza places will deliver to my address
• Write fan mail to Ryan Reynolds and Ellen Page
• Try to determine if Emma Watson is attractive
• Lust after gold
• Watch The Simpsons. See what jokes I've been missing
• Quietly weep in the shower
• Go to Assisted Living home in gorilla suite. Try to startle the elderly
• Overcome fear of toilet
• Pretend I'm retired and make it a routine to visit a local diner daily. Get to know staff and regulars.
• Try my hand at pimping
• Go down to Chicago. Sell my wares from the back of van.
• Finally discover why I keep waking up naked, despite going to bed fully clothed
• Teach neighborhood children that anything is possible... unless you have MS
• Extort protection money from lemonade selling child
• Go to the zoo. Attempt to feed the polar bear seal
• Capture small Mexican child. Call him Pele. Raise him as my own
• Befriend ants. Learn from them
• Ask Pope for money

The Humble Fly

As the sun warms our little spot on this mostly blue planet, I'm reminded of the tiny bugs and insects scrambling to survive. I've always fought for the plight of the our minuscule comrades, as far back as fourth grade.

Ah yes, I remember the first time I realized the quiet majesty of these creatures when two house fly decided to land on my leg and mate. It was during one of my fourth grade teacher's numerous lectures.

I sat there stunned as these two bugs went at it on my knee. I dared not swoosh them away, because even at that tender age I knew that what was happening on my knee was beautiful.

Like a child seeing his parent's wrestle for the first time, I was confused, and unsure of what to do. I decided to recruit the assistance of my teacher. I raised my hand...

"Mrs. Cuff, these flies are mating on my leg".

"Well, just swap them, Daniel."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"I just can't!"

From that moment on I realized that all creatures were just like me. Just trying to survive, and get some ass whenever possible. Those mightily humble creatures had enough to worry about in their short lives. Who was I to ruin, what could have been, the happiest moments of those bugs' lives?

And now, today, I try to let bugs live their life. When I play basketball I take care not to crush the little ants scurrying about the court. When swimming I go to great lengths to save drowning bugs. I save bugs and insects from certain death at the multiple hands of spiders.

In fact when I see a spider trying to eat a hapless bug I try to show the spider that it doesn't need to suck the life force out of other animals. I try to show the spider that it can survive on tofu and strawberries.

The world is a harsh place for these little creatures. Why must we add to their growing list of problems?

Oh and fuck mosquitoes, those things are bastards.